There have several questions posed during the old Bordeaux-fueled late-nights the last couple of years for which I’m certain there will never be a complete answer. Things like “what would you do if George Clooney came up to you in a bar and asked you to cover for him in a massive lie, playing wing-man and alibi with him for the evening while he plays around with someone he shouldn’t?” for one. Or: “how much money would it take for you to go up to that old homeless guy across the road and lick (in one continuous lick) from the tip of his fungus-infested toes to the flaky-tassled locks of his mud-encrusted head via any route of your own choosing?” You know, that ol’ chestnut?

A new player has surfaced in recent months, which, sadly, seems to have a common answer, gaining traction by the sheer numbers of people who agree upon one suggested answer where the subject pertains to me. I’m talking about the celebrity movie deal. Yes, the title of this post : “If they made a movie about your life, who would play you?”. It’s a big question, one with plenty of answers, and one with hopefully plenty of Clooney-related ones at that.

Answering the question for oneself is tough. Try it. See? Impossible to try and sum your whole sense of self up in the form of someone you sorta know the look of, but who isn’t you. However, it seems throwing the question out to your friends and loved ones is fraught with much more potential danger as your own egotistic projections or lack thereof. Sure, your friends/family love you and all that, but how often do they tell you what they really think? Sometimes, but mostly only the good stuff, the rest either painted with white lies or spewing out at the wrong moments, like nastily during a spat. No, the real truth of how you appear to the outside world? It’s in that question.

So, the answer to “who plays Demis”? Jason Segel apparently. And, if the growing consensus is to be trusted, at that I’m torn.  

Don’t get me wrong. I love that guy. He’s a funny, talented actor (albeit who I’m still waiting for to step out of his comfort zone and take on something with a little more meat than he’s historically chosen) with great comic timing and a bright future. I like that he’s tall. I like that he was in The Muppets and that he’s most always playing The Nice Guy. Hell, I even like that he seems to get his junk out in every second film and waggle it around without shame (not entirely something I can relate to on a personal level, but the brother certainly deserves some kudos for it). He’s sometimes carried a few more pounds than I’d be aiming for myself physically, but if his general ‘goofy big friendly  every-guy’ presence is something people identify in me too, that’s not so bad. Hell, they could have said something terrible, geeky and unexpected. Like “Dwight from The Office”, or “the guy who plays Sheldon from Big Bang Theory”, or “a young, beardless Hagrid”.  No complaints there.

But I don’t know… what was I expecting? Someone a little more of a leading man or a perhaps even a master villain? I wouldn’t be so bold to start with the hint-coughing, pushing magazines toward people with Brad or Leo’s face emblazoned on it, but I guess somebody a little less traditionally aligned with “friend zone” roles would’ve been nice. Or hell, if – okay – I’m not down for “pretty boy” casting, at least steely guys like like Walken or De Niro.

On the other hand, years ago someone said I reminded them of Elvis. Just in the eyes, not in the mannerisms or dreaminess. This was a terrible suggestion, and to this day I still don’t see it. Same goes for the one involving Travolta (when we were both in our tubby-with-huge-sideburns phase) and, worst of all, one person’s suggestion back in the day that I shared certain dancing/eating traits with Homer Simpson. 

Segel ain’t so bad in comparison. He seems like a nice enough guy, and without knowing much about how he gets into a role, I’d be quite happy for him to come hang out for a couple of months to nail the character – the full method experience. I’d be flattered and honoured if he did.

It’s just an odd thing to not have an answer to the question of how you come across to people outside your own head – not even a proper guess – then have people answer it so decisively for you in a way you wouldn’t expect. 

If you happen to find a shortcut to the whole truth, perhaps it’s best left alone. Most definitely if that truth happens to suggest you’re in any way guilty of excessive junk-waggling…

So, go on… who would play you?