demislw.com - all about that bacon

'All About That Bacon' : The Pun That Never Took Off

I've always had a fascination with trying to figure out why certain lame shit goes viral, where other stuff doesn't. Going by the numbers, there does seem to be one genre of joke where any sense of being able to predict the crowd reaction gets cast completely to the side: shitty puns.

Puns are a battleground. Sometimes you see them out there, riding high atop Reddit's front page, shaking their defiant gutter-scraping fist at us, daring us to call them the lowest form of humour. Other times, you'll see something else out there, every bit as awful and timely as the fist-shaker, yet it never takes off.

I ran into something of an Internet rabbit-hole this morning, something that really got me thinking. You all know Meghan Trainor's hit song from 2014, right? This one? So there I was, in an unrelated thread on Facebook, talking about bacon, when a comment compelled me to ask: "I wonder if anyone out there has recorded 'All About That Bacon' and gone viral with it?" Fair question, right? It's the sort of shitty thing people do all the time on the Internet. No doubt anything along those lines was going to be every bit as terrible as we'd imagine, but figured someone out there must have made a million hits off the idea. So, off I went to YouTube...

The result? It seems the Internet isn't ready for 'All About That Bacon'. Several people tried. Several more have produced rather professional audio tracks. Some even tried to sell them. But did anyone actually punch through our collective cultural consciousness, and actually take a terrible, terrible play-on-words and achieve their fifteen minutes of celebrity with it?

No. Hell no. Not even close.

I've collected a few of the best and tried to dig into them a little, looking for answers to the mystery. All were produced between October and November last year, around the time that song was really hitting its stride.The timing was perfect, but so, why didn't the Internet run with this particularly lame play and make it a star? Take a look for yourself. Maybe you've got some ideas.

Without any further ado, in the order in which they were released, I present to you the Six Best Independently-Conceived Versions Of  The God-Awful Play-On-Words, 'All About That Bacon' :


Artist: C Stewart

Total YouTube Views: 4616 | Released : Oct 05, 2014

Straight up, this one loses several points for being shot in portrait, but that aside, we're looking at not only the earliest known YouTube video covering this particularly horrible pun, but also the one with the most hits (a whopping 4616 as I write this). I'm not going to diss Ms Stewart too hard for her efforts (particularly in light of the other videos in the list). Despite being rather obsessed with her comparison between regular porcine bacon, and the inferior turkey kind, she does redeem her position with a very strong point about how the consumption of the latter will actually cause the senseless death of kittens. With the amount of hits she's managed, I'm going to assume C Stewart has a fairly strong follower-base on Facebook or Twitter, but either hasn't discovered Reddit yet, or was wearing far too much clothing (or inexplicably offended many with that badge or shimmying) for the viral-making masses to upvote. This could have gone viral, with the right demographic. Feels like it nearly did...


Artist: Brittany Roup

Total YouTube Views: 16 | Released OCT 26, 2014

Brittany's version, while being significantly shorter, still maintains a negative attitude toward an alternate food-stuff which, quite frankly,  wouldn't be out of the question sitting on the same plate or table as fried strips of pork. I'm giving her an extra point for attempting to pull off a mid-level vocal effort without the use of a backing-track, but then taking it away again for screwing up the few words there are. For my money this one could have gone on a little longer, but perhaps this was about as much as the Internet could handle. Brittany would not appear to have more than fifteen friends. I'm not all that surprised this didn't show up in my feeds.


Artist: Bgirl Bubbles

Total YouTube Views: 306 | Released: Nov 08, 2014

This one had great potential. The vocalist, 'Jam', has a cute-sounding voice that I imagine could have translated well to video had Bgirl chosen live-action over animation for her style of music video, but let's not hold that against her. Unlike her predecessors, BGirl's lyrical focus fortunately shifted away from protein sources, and onto unnecessary carbohydrate accompaniments. I'm going to go out on a limb and assume some kind of wheat intolerance might have been in play for either Bgirl or Jam, or perhaps that they're strong proponents of the Atkins Diet; either way, the negativity feels far more rational than the last two. Questions linger though - does she like untoasted bread? What about crumpets? I guess we'll never know, as while Bgirl has at least 300 friends, I fear her underdeveloped animation style may have stopped this potential viral hit dead in its tracks.


Artist: Drew2 Pictures

Total Youtube Views: 123 | Released: Nov 16, 2014

I'm not going to lie - this adaptation is my favourite by a long shot. Drew2 has pulled out all the stops. He's got the backing track. His version sounds a little bit like it was performed by Cake. He's gone to some effort with his updated lyrics. The visual effects, while perhaps a little over-the-top, add plenty to his performance, setting his visual style well apart from his bacon-loving peers. To top it off, he doesn't diss any other food-stuff in the course of making his point."...All about that bacon, that bacon cheese-burger..." See what he did there? My only real criticism of this (practically perfect) version is that he chose to bring topics of politics and obesity into what could have remained a light-hearted discussion about his favourite food, though this doesn't weigh things down for long. I have no idea why Drew2 hasn't gone global. Drew2 is some kind of YouTube hero. Like, share, follow.


Artist: Cassandra Herfel

Total YouTube Views: 14 | Released: Nov 18, 2014

I'm fairly sure Cassandra must be one of Brittany's sixteen friends. Still, I'm giving her a couple of extra points for daring to embrace her a cappella attempt with what would appear to be a fully-improvised choreography. She scores a further point for choosing to include bacon itself in the video, where many others have dared not.


Artist: Alison Moss

Total YouTube Views: 36 | Released: Nov 19, 2014

Alison looks to have learned a few lessons from Cassandra, improving on the bacon-inclusion idea by actually eating said bacon on camera. While she's lacking the nifty video tricks of my man Drew2 (and come on, Alison - portrait orientation? I know your parents should know better - don't ever let them hold you back like that!), I can appreciate that she's taken away from Drew2's version that message of positivity; not dissing sausage, or toast, or anything else, merely reiterating her central bacon-related point that she does, in fact, "love it". My only thought about why Alison didn't go viral with this superior release is that she didn't touch the bridge passage of the song itself. Yes, I'll agree that the bridge was where C Stewart's turkey point first began getting tired — perhaps Alison made a deliberate choice to keep her opus more buoyant. Maybe there's something in that, though it never helped her reach full Internet celebrity. Out of all of the above, Alison's video definitely shines in one regard : I really, really want to eat that bacon she has in front of her. Full marks to the chef.


Thoughts or theories? Leave them below...


demislw - when good hangovers go bad

When Good Hangovers Go Bad

The night started so innocently, but don't they all?

We've all taken part in an epic evening where the intent was (and remained) evil from start to finish, but this wasn't one of those. No, the nights out with the most horrendous aftermaths have a lot in common with effective, successful serial-killers: it's always the quiet, respectable ones you need to keep an eye on.

This was back in Sydney, toward the end of '11. Some friends of ours had invited us to a one-off family celebration, a special night for a unique milestone : all three generations of women in the family were celebrating their thirtieth, sixtieth and ninetieth birthdays that year. For extra points, the 'thirty' component belonged to a set of non-identical twins, dear friends of ours for years. The roundness of those numbers — their pattern, their alignment — was impossible to ignore, especially for a family renown for bringing together their wide circle of friends and extended family to celebrate far less auspicious-looking events.

The clan leaders booked out a great restaurant by the harbour, and invited about a hundred people to what looked and felt a lot like a wedding (minus the happy couple). Multiple tables full of well-dressed people, many of whom didn't know one another, all loosened up with the generous "bottomless" champagne and whites the respectable per-head had bought us.

Now, I know what you're thinking : already, that sounds dangerous. And yes, you're right: any event that can be compared to a wedding banquet in terms of the expected alcohol volume, and the whole 'your glass is always full thanks to attentive waiters' factor should have had us predicting some kind of fall-out the next day. We knew it too. Duh. I'd planned ahead. I'd eaten a big lunch. I'd thrown back a lot of water during the afternoon. I'd come up with a strategy ("Stick with champagne and white wine, only. No beer. No spirits. No mixing, period. Then, water every second drink") that, by all accounts, remains a sound and worthy alcoholic mantra even today.

In short, I was prepared for the worst. Despite the precautions, it was never far from my mind that this was still, technically, a 'family gathering', and that such heavy preparation was likely overkill. The elderly were to be well represented at this party, as well plenty of children. It's not like we were heading out on a stag night — there was always going to be a certain lid on festivities, no matter how heavy those waiters were going to pour.

The last thing I remember with any clarity was of the few minutes following the main course.

There were speeches. I think. There was definitely a piper — as in actual bagpipes — wandering around at one point, but even then that memory is a little watery. What I do know is that for the couple of hours prior to where the mental tape-recorder cut out, I'd stuck to the plan. White. Sparkling. Water. Very well behaved, albeit far too talkative.

Then, nothing.

Well, that's not entirely true. I have a single-image memory of sitting in the back seat of a taxi in the dark, and of not being able to focus on anything outside the window. That, and another single-image flash of our bedroom, of trying to make an impassioned point, the topic of which I have no solid recall.

My next memory was of what I always start off a Sunday morning hangover with: that pounding headache that wakes me up (like clockwork) somewhere very close to 7am.

(Side note : there's not much to be said about that headache. We all know that pain. It feels like death. It goes on and on. The only thing special about it and its attachment to The Most Disturbing Hangover I Ever Had was that none of the regular tricks and cures had any effect on it until much later than they would on any other Sunday hangover. No, not "after I finally ate something". Not even "somewhere around lunchtime". That bastard lingered all the way through until about 7pm, presumably the point where my liver had finally cleared enough debris to finally consider dealing with the paracetamol. Unheard of.)

I'm not one of those bed-bound hangover types. I get up. I jump in the shower. I pace around. I go for walks, breathe fresh air. Sometimes I even go for a bike ride. Nothing was different about that particular hangover. Yet. I got straight out of bed, wandered over to the other end of our apartment where the main bathroom was (the non-ensuite one). Cat's definitely a bed-bound hangover person. I figured if I was rolling a classic 7am up-and-at-'em routine, she was probably rolling her standard static/grumbly/anti-social routine as well. Meaning : I needed to clear the room, fast. I headed for the bathroom at the other end of the apartment.

Words can barely describe what I found next.

The best comparison would be to an aftermath scene in any modern zombie film: walls, floor, mirrors dolloped and splattered in red (vomit, not blood), the intricate spray-patterns only broken by the long, chaotic smears of hand and footprints. The handprints were the most mysterious. Sick and hungover as I was, I took the time to walk into the room and take a good look around at them, to try and figure it all out. Hell, there were even prints smeared all over the back of the door. WTF?

None of it made any sense. I was certain none of it was my handiwork, as I'd been drinking white and champagne all night, waters in between. Nothing to explain the redness of the puke, in any case. Perhaps Cat? But no; she'd have definitely woken me up at some point, either to complain about being that close to death, or the sheer volume of the liquid cacophony that would have been echoing out of that room and down the hallway at the time. Surely I couldn't have slept through that. Just how drunk had I been?

It wasn't long before the stench overpowered me, my body stepping in with a not-so-gentle reminder that I was both severely hungover myself, and a sympathetic vomiter. However, during that intimate first trip to the toilet bowl, I noticed more curiosities. There was a massive splash against the wall beside the toilet itself, far, far away from anywhere someone could hit by simply 'missing' the bowl, no matter how sick or uncoordinated. Then, after I'd finished emptying my own mostly-empty stomach (clear liquids only - I checked), a further mystery appeared when I closed the lid to the toilet : red vomit all over the cistern and the top of the toilet seat, and more handprints. Bizarre swirls.

Finally, a picture began to form. I imagine it's how those crime-scene investigators work; quietly assessing the scene, putting themselves into the mind of their imagined perp, reliving every action and reaction. Piece by piece I was seeing a chronology, a possible timeline, something of a sequence, the only one that all the jigsaw pieces would fit nicely into.

So far as I could figure, I'd passed out drunk not long after we got home, Cat fleeing the room, clearly unwell. She would have closed the bedroom door, cause she's nice (and wouldn't have wanted me to hear what came next). Perhaps she'd puked a little in the ensuite first, then, anticipating more, came down to the other bathroom, closing all doors behind her. By then she was desperate — she'd started the initial heaving just before she got to the bathroom (Exhibit: A - first spray of the floor just inside the door). The handprints near the light switch would have been the hand that covered the mouth as she ran, printing the wall as she switched the lights on. The ones on the back of the door? Her closing yet another door for sound-muffling purposes. The random spraying around the room between there and the toilet was explained by all this light-and-door business taking up far too much time. Yes. Definitely that. The footprints backed it up.

So far so good.

But then we get to the mysterious toilet/lid/wall combo. The only thing that fit that splatter pattern was this: upon making it to the toilet, now in a blind panic having started projectile vomiting over near the door, she was in too much of a hurry to notice the toilet lid was closed, puking anyway. The error would have been obvious immediately, though now deep into the heaving, she'd have been unlikely to stop the flow, open the lid, start again. She'd have kept spraying the whole time it took her to lift her head (hitting the cistern), turn slightly to the right to avoid being hit in the face on the lid's way up (spraying the wall in the odd location), then finally aiming the flow back to the bowl itself (explaining the remaining splatter range).

From there, the rest was obvious : down on her knees, the foot and handprints indicated someone at the drunken end of their tether trying to pull themselves upright, clean themselves off a little under the sink at the basin, then stumble off back toward the bedroom.

I had plenty to mull over during the shower that followed this initial investigation. My headache had really kicked in by then, but at least I wasn't feeling all that sick anymore. I took my time. A good, slow neck massage. Then, an attempt at some of the cleaning, before yet another shower after, to get that smell off me. Eventually I got into some fresh clothes and returned to the bedroom, to see what sort of terrible state Cat must be in. I mean, after all that, she must have been experiencing The Worst Hangover Ever herself.

Imagine my surprise.

Back in the bedroom, she wasn't only awake, she was fine. Not sick at all. A little tired, perhaps. Slight headache. Not too worse for wear. Having taken that temperature, I decided it was time to address the mess she'd made of the bathroom:

"Are you okay? I mean, you made a pretty serious mess in there."

A look of incredulity.

"Ummm… what do you mean, 'the mess I made in there'?"

She was laughing. I wasn't. That wasn't my mess. My central argument had always been the white/champagne strategy, and that what I was just slipping around in back there was something like a bold, fruity Cab Sav. I said as much.

"Great theory, professor, except the part where you were running up and down the tables at the end."

Huh?

"Remember? You and Nando, throwing back the leftovers in everyone's discarded glasses? I tried to stop you."

I was speechless. Shocked, even. Funny, because that one detail was nothing — NOTHING — compared to the story that then unfolded.

It seems my clever alcohol consumption strategy had failed. This business with Nando didn't sound like something I would do, but at the same time, didn't sound like something I wouldn't do, inebriated beyond a certain level. Given I was already certain I'd lost a few hours of memory (something that had only happened to me on a handful of occasions, ever), I was going to have to give her the benefit of the doubt, and accept her tale on face value.

According to numerous accounts of that night which I have collected since, the following happened during the three hour period (I'm assured I remained awake/conscious for) from the point where my memory drops out :

  • I broke from the plan, and moved from white to red wine.
  • Later, I moved from red wine to scotch.
  • Later still, "water in between" was replaced by tequila shots.
  • Once everyone was up on the dance floor, yes, Nando and I did run up and down the vacated dinner tables, throwing back whatever liquid we found in discarded glasses. (The way Nando remembers this, it was some kind of race.)
  • I did not refrain from joining the others on the dance-floor. When the DJ put on the 80s classic, 'What A Feeling' (from Flashdance), I not only performed a passable rendition of the dance moves from the film-clip, but even finished it off with that iconic move with the chair. Worse, I didn't skimp on the "pour ice water over myself" part either. The crowd had formed a circle around me.
  • As this was a family function — someone else's family, mind you — there was a moment where the entire extended clan tried to take a group photo (about forty people). The intention was for a 'family-only' shot. Apparently, I wanted to be in it too. Like, I really wanted to. Every time they tried to take it, I (physically, literally) dived into frame at the last second, ruining things. Eventually, they gave up trying to keep me out of the photo, and took a couple of photos with me in it. Then, all pretending things were done, Cat lead me away with a wink, whereby the entire family reassembled and took the REAL family photo. Those other shots with me in them survive. The expression on my face is another man's, someone I don't know.
  • I allegedly caused a bit of trouble in the taxi as well, but Cat has never gone into great detail about it.
  • Once we got home, I ranted for an hour about how much I loved this Australian horror film I'd absolutely hated sober. Wouldn't shut up about it. Pacing. Lecturing. Cat just wanted to sleep. Sensing my audience was fading, I simply left at some point, turned out the light, not to be heard from (verbally) until morning.
  • Cat did hear signs of liquid trouble from the other bathroom, but opted to leave bad enough alone. Wise.

Shameful. Absolutely shameful.

I was that guy at the party. You know? That guy. The one who's funny for the first few minutes, but then after a while you just want him to go away, or pass out, or both. I'd never been that guy before. Or had I? I didn't know anymore. There's a lot about myself learned during that aftermath. I mean, who knew I'd memorised the entire choreography to the theme from Flashdance? Just who is that guy?

The questions of identity got even murkier several hours later, when another detail emerged. One that shook me to the core, and still does to this day.

Later that Sunday, Cat had finally convinced me to eat something, and do my best to keep it down. It was 1pm or something by then — I was in the Deep Deep Death stage of a brutal hangover. You know the one: the world was nothing more than a dark place that wanted to hurt me. My headache was terrible. My state of mind was so bad that I hadn't even complained when she rented Sex & The City 2 on iTunes and made us both sit through it. (I take back what I said before about Cat being nice. Sneaking that film in front of my eyeballs was evil. So, so evil.)

After that was done, we'd gone out for a walk. Fresh air. I was whinging pretty hard about my headache, but overall, starting to feel a bit better. That is, until she hit me with a fresh, terrifying new detail from the night before:

"Oh, I nearly forgot. I have a message for you."

"A message?"

"Yeah. From Drunk Demis."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, in the middle of that movie rant, Drunk Demis told me I had to give Hungover Demis a message from him later, at the point where Hungover Demis really started complaining about his headache."

"Really? What was the message?"

"He said to say : 'Whatever, fatty'."

Now, at this point in time, Cat had never been part of that particular work-place in-joke. There was no way she could know the phrase, nor its relevance. I won't bother going into to its meaning now, but basically, those two words proved that Drunk Demis himself had sent the message, and that she wasn't lying. Also, the darker implication: it proved that I was no longer one person, but two. Worse still, it proved that Drunk Demis wasn't merely a second, sentient, all-singing, all-dancing personality (with shitty taste in movies) lurking inside me, but he was also a something of a jerk.

(Well, not entirely. I noted later that Drunk Demis had the good sense to have taken off my expensive suit jacket before entering the vomitorium, folding it more perfectly than I normally manage at the best of times. Drunk Demis sounds like a bit of a kooky character on the whole, but at least the guy's good at laundry.)

-

Every time I have gone out for more than one drink since, I've remembered Drunk Demis, the zombie movie, and the infamous Thirty-Sixty-Ninety party. I've had some pretty good benders in my time, but that one will always stand apart, not only for the severity of its psychological aftermath, but that a booze-only bender was capable of extracting from my depraved depths darker elements than any longer, crazier, druggier bender ever has.

The toughest part is that there's no moral to this story. There's no lesson to be learned from it, apart from the utterly stupid one that begins: "Step One : Quit Drinking" (...ha!). I was careful. I had a plan, and I thought I was sticking to it. The way I've tried to come to terms with it since is to think that yeah, sometimes, no matter how smart you think you are, how in control, shit sometimes happens, but even then, as a 'lesson', that's a bit of a stretch.

If there was one thing to take away from the incident, perhaps it's buried somewhere in that sentiment about keeping your eye on the quiet ones. I've never heard from Drunk Demis again. Not yet, in any case, but that's not to say he's not out there, lurking somewhere, practicing his jacket-folds, being oh-so-very quiet.


(Image credit : 'Splat' - Anthony Theobald, reproduced under a Creative Commons license.)


Down The Silk Road

So, I've finally taken a good look around the so-called Dark Net. You know, that scary place full of drug-dealers, terrorists, child-pornographers, and, oddly enough, polite customer service representatives?

The verdict?

Something about it reminded me of the good ol' days. Browsing around a slice of the Internet lacking the same logistics and support of the current WWW feels a hell of a lot like the web did back in the reign of Netscape, HTML 2.0, squeaking modems. There's a certain nostalgia in not being able to find what you want, instantly. Having to sift around nerd-generated UI no-one with any kind of design eye has ever been anywhere near.

I didn't find kiddie-porn and I didn't find guns, and to be honest, I didn't attempt to locate either. As secure and anonymous as the place is meant to be, I don't trust that completely, nor have any desire to go near that level of death and torment in the name of satisfying a curiosity.

Drugs, on the other hand, I did find. And cheap. And fake passports. And all those dodgy ebooks on how to make bombs out of household chemicals (another twang of 90s nostalgia there - that shit used to be all you'd ever find in ebook directories on the BBS archives of my pre-internet connectivity).

It's the drug sales that I found the most intriguing. You've probably heard of Silk Road as much as the next guy. Some of you may have even been in and seen it, or hell, even been customers. You've probably even heard it was shut down. It was, and the guy's still in court about it, but that hasn't stopped Silk Road 2.0 (or 3.0, or 6.0, or whatever I was seeing) from picking up where that first site abruptly left off.

I have to say, I was impressed. Or awed. Or something. I don't know what I was expecting, but what exists there exceeded it.

In the course of the journalistic exploration that was, I chanced upon a conversation with someone who had actually bought a small amount of drugs off the first (pre-arrest, pre-shutdown) version of the site over 12 months ago. He had nothing bad to say about the experience, didn't actually try much of said delivery, having merely bought some in the name of science. He paid via Bitcoin, the drugs showed up in a rather slick, well-disguised package a couple of days later. The quality was everything it'd been advertised as, very much in keeping with the star-rating several thousand others had given that particular vendor.

The drugs arrived in a pack disguised as originating from Amazon - a factor which seems to flow through the entire front-end of the shopping experience. You've got your categories. You've got your products listed, so many per page, clickable through to the next page and the next page. You've got your 'sort by highest rated' or 'trending'. You've got easily-viewed reviews and ratings for each and every seller, and with it a good indicator that you can trust that - for their part - you're going to get what you paid for. The perfect online shopping experience, as perfected by the original online book-selling behemoth itself.

The problem only comes when you have to keep reminding yourself that all of this is just so illegal, I'm not even certain I'm not risking legal trouble by admitting I'd viewed the site. (For the record - I have not, did not, and will not be making any purchases - I looked around the site both to satisfy a curiosity after seeing so many articles on Silk Road, and for purposes of researching this post... nothing more.) If you understand how to convert cash into Bitcoin in an anonymous way (which, from a cursory glance around Reddit, is dead easy) and have read enough to know how to install Tor and procure Silk Road's scrambled-looking address, then the only weakness in the system would appear to be the exposure you risk by giving the drugs a delivery address.... and being the one to pick them up.

You can understand why authorities want to shut this place right down - it does seem to be all a little too easy once you know what you're doing. Adding to that, the variety and quality of the types of drugs / chemicals and extracts available far outweigh the level of consumer choice you're given in the traditional meet up with a regular street-dealer, even the good ones. Regardless of how long you've known a dealer, or if they're your old friend, or whatever, you're rarely given access to the level of choice the Silk Road stuff has right there, at prices far lower than what I understand to be the current street value of, well, at least here in the UK. Definitely substantially lower for items like cocaine for overpriced drug markets like the Australian one.

If Silk Road really is as anonymous as it claims to be capable of being, if the authorities really can't catch a lot of the people who are apparently using the site to have a-class drugs sent to them in the mail, then it feels like a matter of time before this stuff gets well out of control, to the levels of things like software / film / media piracy. Like, hardly anyone is all that concerned that they're going to get busted downloading an MP3 these days. Silk Road feels a bit like music piracy did ten years ago - there's still something a little dangerous about it, but you get the feeling that as more people start using it, as the technology back-end improves, the less likely it is that you're going to get caught out.

It's an odd thing, really. On the one hand, I kinda like the spirit behind it. There's a sense of ethics to the place - a code. Yes, the drugs are illegal, but the vibe of the site accepts that there's a reality to ongoing drug-use being a thing that exists regardless of that, and is catering to its audience. What it does do is draws a line at things it deems immoral - there ain't no sex-slaves available there. No kid pics. No guns. No grenades. Yes, some money-laundering information / services / accounts (BAD!) and some fake ID stuff (also BAD!) but their code of honour seems to stop at the point at which a product could be used by a customer to hurt somebody other than themselves. It's not much of an ethical code by legal standards, but it's still a code. They've got limits. They draw a line.

On the other hand, I can't help feeling like it might take something away from the drug experience, in potentially harmful ways (beyond the obvious). Like, say some 15yo gets in there, buys himself a gram of coke, and it arrives. What then? He doesn't know what to do. He hasn't had anyone show him how. He doesn't know a 'recreational' dose from a 'wooah, easy does it' one. If there's one thing that generally comes with real-world drug use, it's that anyone in that world generally had someone teach them the ropes. Show them a trick or two. Brief them in the (often false) urban rules of safety. Hydration. Don't mix. Or at least: "Okay, mix those two, but only at the end... but not that one". A few notes on when it's time to stop. Tales of the time shit went bad, and maybe even why/how that occurred. Forgetting the illegality for a minute, I feel like that passed-on knowledge is part of drug culture, and that the Silk Road experience doesn't really allow for that. For the veterans, no problem. Beginners? Potentially quite a dangerous place to stumble into.

The thing that has stuck with me the most since my little visit is the inevitability of what a site like Silk Road is, and what it means for the online sales of illegal stuff for the future. Sites like that one are nailing it. They'll shut this version, just like they shut the last, and another ten will pop up. They killed Napster. They killed Suprnova. Demonoid disappeared for a while at least. None of that ever made a dent on music / video piracy... not really. Cut off a couple of heads. While those heads were being chased and chopped, the tech continued to mature behind the scenes, and the consumption of pirated media all the more prolific. You can feel that future for Silk Road, too. Silk Road is just a newer type of Napster - the first, the first of a very long line of successful (if short-lived) clones, getting better at their service and security with each new generation.

I'm not going to cast an opinion about the drugs themselves. We all know the deal. We all know the damage drugs do to families. We all know what sorts of things drug money usually funds. We all know how much jail-time people will do when they get caught, and that yeah, some of that shit'll certainly kill you, and we all know that despite all this, plenty of people spend a good portion of their week finding, buying, and enjoying the hell out of their poison of choice. What I'm walking away from my stickybeak around Silk Road is a glimpse of the future. This type of online thing is here now. It  exists in the world, and is unlikely to go away. If anything, it'll become more popular, and definitely easier to use. I haven't checked, but I'm sure someone's already made an app for that on a jailbroken phone.

These are strange days we're living in. Strange days indeed.


A Penis Or A Poo?

I’ll let you in on a little secret : we’ve all done it. Well, most of us. Anyone who has spent any time working the front lines of the Hollywood visual effects industry probably has several midnight-dark secrets they could spill, or if not, has heard a mother lode of first-hand confessionals while loitering at various water-coolers.

I’m talking about that thing every artist does but nobody wants to risk their career talking about : the dangerous art of sneaking photos of schlongs or faeces (or Sesame Street characters, or a tasteful shot of your smiling nephew or your initials or Keyboard Cat) into the frames of major Hollywood feature films.

You’ve probably heard of some of the popular cinematic vandal-lore of yesteryear. Plenty of myths have birthed in the world of traditional animation for instance — things like Jessica Rabbit’s famous ‘crotch frame’, or the clouds of a certain Disney movie spelling the word ‘sex’. Not to diminish the anarchic efforts of my subversive brothers and sisters of days gone by, but the current fleet of popular examples are all getting mighty stale by today’s standards. Hell, most of anything written on the topic online is so old the pieces they describe were made with a paintbrush (as in bristles and ink, not the type you get when you hit ‘B’ in Photoshop).

Fantastic as their pioneering work was, we’ve most certainly moved on. The art of sporadically hiding man-junk on celluloid has matured into an entire industry of the subliminal. Not only have the genital insertions gone digital, sprouting up in as vast numbers as the general increase in visual effects shot-counts in modern cinema, but those very same genitals are now often flying out of the screen at you in 3D.

Oh, and you’ve definitely seen them. You just don’t know it.

Before you get too excited that I’m about to unleash a whole fresh swath of urban legends upon the world with a juicy, blow-by-blow, tell-all list, I should take a moment acknowledge the speed at which someone in a studio legal department is about to go and google my film credits list, sharpen their knives, pull out their trusty plastic calculator, and begin calculating all the possible damages I may (or may not) have inflicted upon their clients’ intellectual property. We artists are contracted to the teeth, and you’ll not get that list out of me today, not with anything short of at least two (perhaps three) beers (less if you’re paying).

What I can give you is this, in all its ambiguous glory:

I may (or may not) have, at some point during my career in visual effects, personally hidden within the frames of many feature films you will have seen, without the knowledge or consent of my supervisors (clients, directors, studios), the following items :

  • Male genitalia (flaccid)
  • Male genitalia (not-so-flaccid)
  • Female genitalia
  • Exposed breasts (deliberately added)
  • Exposed breasts (passively added through omission — neglecting to mention/fix the nipple slips nobody else picked up I would have been paid to “fix”.)
  • A poo* (*Note: ‘a’ poo, not ‘my’ poo)
  • A poo* (*Note: disregard the above clarification)
  • Friends’ faces into backgrounds / windows etc.
  • Relatives’ faces into backgrounds / windows etc.
  • Porn-stars’ faces into backgrounds / windows etc.
  • Objects or references to one the lead actors’ or director’s more embarrassing prior films.
  • Website URLs (the friendly sort that would pass SafeSearch)
  • Website URLs (the other kind)
  • Website URLs (an honest-to-god Rickroll. Yes, really.)
  • A blatant shoutout to the good and attentive people at Reddit who love cracking ‘easter eggs’ written in easily-decipherable code. (This one is an ongoing disappointment for a very select group of us. So much effort went into this one joke — a much larger sting than just that single greeting. Sadly, to this day, the film-loving crypto community continues to let us down. From one nerd to another, I speak directly to you now, Reddit : shame on you!)

This is just a small sample. While it may seem a hefty list to the uninitiated, let it be known that I am by no means an extremist, a malicious rogue, alone in my sordid addiction. Perhaps I sit on the pointier side of the bell-curve, but I’m not all that far from the middle. Just ask anyone. On some films there have been unofficial competitions between a larger group of artists, seeing how many times people could get away with inserting exactly the same image/character into different shots or scenes from the same film. On other stricter productions, would-be vandals regularly shroud their attempts in secrecy, working alone, only daring a confession during crew-only drinks after the film’s première.

What I mean to say is that these aren’t isolated incidents, random blights on occasional blockbusters; we are prolific.

“But why?”

Sometimes acting on an opportunity has been nothing more than a gentle letting-off of steam in what can regularly be a high-pressure, long-hours job. Some projects have started well, but suffered a catastrophic drop in morale for whatever reason, and the lowly artist-soldier-types were left to quietly vent the most appropriate way we collectively could.

Other times, for me at least, it has been to test the limits of the art of vfx vandalism itself. Like, if I could hide a photo of my friend ‘taking a dump’ in the middle of a super-bright explosion in such a way that you’re only going to see him if you turn the brightness of your screen all the way down to ten percent of maximum in order to see it, why wouldn’t I just go ahead and do it? Going one step further, if I got away with it that first time, why wouldn’t I do it again in the shot that directly follows it in the film, for continuity’s sake? Then, the shot after that — the aftermath of the explosion — would it not make sense to slip in the broken remains of a toilet, and a large smear of brown at the blast’s epicentre? Possessing that level of attention to detail is what they’re paying us for, after all. It’s a deep, dark rabbit hole that goes deep once you start down it, especially if you have a long render time to kill, and a desire to better yourself and your art.

There are other times when these unorthodox blemishes arrive on the silver screen out of pure necessity. Certain visual elements may not have been captured as part of an ‘library shoot’ (where the visual effects supervisor films all the extra bits and pieces we might need to complete our work — the additive squirts of blood, a few seconds of crumbling concrete dust, filming a room full of roof-mounted sprinklers for us to add into a shot as rain) and we may be forced to “just fix it” with whatever we can lay our hands on. I’vecertainly heard some stories on that count. One of the best of recent years was the tale of an Oscar-winning actor who’d been given some ugly facial hair as part of his on-set makeup, something which didn’t end up holding up well enough during close-ups. Nobody had ever factored in the fix as part of the visual effects bid, so when there was no time/budget for any CG hair fix (or no other elements shot), the artist came up with the ingenious solution of snapping a photo of their own scrotum hair, “patching up” the similarly-textured side-burn without further ado.

Hey, whatever works — and it did. You saw that close-up too, remember.

Often our best work is simply the by-product of garden-variety nerd-rage. When you’ve been sitting there all week painting out camel-toe until two in the morning to meet some overly-reactive client-side producer (who’s decided that’s the only way the film is going to hit its PG-13 rating), sometimes it feels like highly appropriate payback to slip a still pic of an erect phallus into the shot. You know they’ll be too busy looking at the character’s freshly-Barbied pubis to notice the feisty little pecker lurking within the shadows of her handbag. You just know it, and they never let you down. The hyper-sensitivity used when predicting conservative outrage during post regularly wastes so much of our time (and other peoples’ money) that it can be a truly satisfying piece of comeuppance to bounce that straight back, the offend-o-meter turned up to eleven.

But alas — I feel ours could be a dying art. It would be folly to suggest that the fine art of dick-and-poo hide-and-seek will ever truly leave the visual effects industry, not while any individual artist still has strength to wield a Wacom and suffer from poor impulse control. However, given how drilled-down our daily tasks have become in recent years, it it clear that it’s getting a lot harder to sneak a meaty, veined, one-eyed trouser-snake past the gatekeepers.

It used to be that an individual compositing artist may take a shot through from start to finish, performing most of what needed to happen (within their skill-set) without many pairs of eyes beyond the powers-that-be to catch them out. If you were particularly lucky, you could even get to the raw footage and sneak your poo in there, baked into the scan, even before ‘version one’ or your actual work. Now, shots get passed around more. Tasks have been broken down into much smaller pieces for efficiency — less-senior folks end up doing the less-senior tasks, the tricky stuff gets left to the veterans, and a lot more people encounter a particular script. The more critical eyes your subversive art is exposed to, the more chance someone’s going to try and talk you out of the joke, or worse: turn snitch. (There are still some glaring holes in the system, but to give you some idea of the increased difficulty level, I didn’t get anything at all filthy — neither scat nor scrotal — into the last couple of films I worked on — and not for lack of trying.)

Eventually, I’ll be gone from the film industry entirely, but in such a transient age where bits and bytes come and go, it’s nice to know I’ll have left a legacy, a handful of tiny stains on a few elements of popular-culture which are likely to be preserved and viewed long after my somewhat-depraved soul has departed this earth. Getting your name in the credits is one thing, but none of that glory adds up to the pride I’ll always feel at being able to pull a dusty old download off iTunes’ digital shelf, pause on a particular frame of a memorable blockbuster from my youth, and point out to the youngest members of the family: “See? It’s definitely a poo. Notice how it glistens? No leaves or branches growing off that branch, buddy.”

It’s just too bad you blinked and missed it.


It's A Fork-Off : Tasting The World's Foulest Food

If one should ask me what use there was in climbing, or attempting to climb the world's highest peak, I would be compelled to answer 'none.'  — George Mallory

You know those awkward moments where you're at a friend's dinner party, or at a restaurant, and something is placed before you that you don't like the look of? Where an internal battle rages - whether to offend your host and pass, or munch down on it anyway, come what may? That decision governed by the answer to one and only one question : "How bad could it be?"

I know how bad it could be. I've tasted it. Twice.

Several years ago, while I was still living in Australia, I heard about Hákarl. "The world's most disgusting food-stuff that you can eat and still live" was how I remember it being described. Put in less-poetic terms, it's putrefied shark meat, it's from Iceland, and it's absolutely awful. Growing up a very fussy eater, somehow in my adult life I have swung the other way - trying everything, just in case there was something amazing out there I hadn't tasted, making that a personal mission. You name the body part, bizarre root vegetable, I've probably nommed it down, or at the very least, wanted to. But to suddenly be aware that the adventurous culinary path did indeed have a limit? I had to try it.

Of course, at the time (and probably still today) it was nearly impossible to get the putrefied (i.e. cured by shoving slabs of poisonous shark meat underground for several months) flesh of a Greenland or basking shark past Australian quarantine officials. Even if that were something easy to do, the noxious, rotting, urea-dripping, formerly poisonous carrion would need to be transported cold all the way from Iceland to Sydney - something which sounded a little out of my regular food-curiosity budget.

I look at this photo and feel pity for my past-self : that perky thumbs-up brimming so much optimism and naivety, with no way of comprehending the horrors that were about to befall its owner, or the trail it blazed for my future taste-depravity...
I look at this photo and feel pity for my past-self : that perky thumbs-up brimming so much optimism and naivety, no way of comprehending the horrors that were about to befall me, or the trail it blazed for the future taste-depravity...

Flash forward : late 2013...

Now based on London, I found myself sharing the office of a food industry startup in the midst of a promotion involving insect recipes. Naturally, during the course of the 'crazy stuff we've eaten' discussion that ensues when one is sharing a plate of ant tacos and cricket pad Thai with a couple of gents, the conversation turned to Hákarl.

A lightbulb suddenly tinked on - I was now living close enough to Iceland that maybe, just maybe, rotten shark was something one could procure without much drama.

Sure enough, I was right.

Within minutes, someone in Iceland was packing 100grams of the stuff into a box full of cold packs, my address plastered on the front. It arrived. It was eaten.

How did it taste? I'll get to that in a moment...

Jump to last Friday...

Working in a different office on the opposite side of town, the Swedish gentleman sitting beside me posted a video of a bunch of non-Swedes failing dismally at eating Surströmming. I remembered seeing the Australian comedy duo, Hamish & Andy, doing a piece about it - the Swedish equivalent of Hákarl (if I may be so bold) except it's rotten herrings, it comes in a can, and is a lot easier to get hold of. After my experience with Hákarl in November, I felt I had a story to tell, however with a proud Swede on my right, and an equally proud Norwegian on my left, the old rivalries (mixed with a dose of Australian bravado) meant suddenly Hákarl's title of "world's most disgusting food-stuff" was being brought into question.

A smarter man, second time around. Note: package was opened outside, not in the kitchen, and the opening of the can all took place inside the plastic bag to reduce spray. The safety bucket was a (fortunate) last-minute after-thought.
A smarter man, second time around. Note: package was opened outside, not in the kitchen, and the opening of the can all took place inside the plastic bag to reduce spray. The safety bucket was a (fortunate) last-minute after-thought.

Of course, nobody but myself had ever tried one of the two morsels in question — it seemed only right that I take the initiative to settle the discussion for once and for all. Getting hold of the Surströmming was even easier than I could ever have imagined it to be : there's a Scandinavian deli only 100 metres from where we were arguing, and still a half an hour left before they closed for the day. You can probably figure out the rest.

So...

To cut a long story very short, I have now consumed both countries' rotten seafood delicacies, and feel I'm now one of the few people out there who can speak with good authority as to which is indeed The Worst.

I took good notes during November's Hákarl experience, and am still feeling very fresh from the recent Surströmming tasting, occurring mere hours ago (I can still smell it on my hands in a few places the soap ceased helping). Regardless of any question as to the clarity or errors that might creep into recalling two experiences now separated by a few months, there's a clear winner.  Of that there is no question. In the battle between Hákarl and Surströmming for the title of "World's Foulest Food", I can speak with complete confidence as to which is indeed the worst. Rather than any further long-winded narrative, I'm going to table it, side-by-side, blow-for-blow, gulp-for-gulp :

(Note - I did attempt to shoot video for both tastings, but both attempts were met with bitter failure. Once those packs were opened, there was no mental space left for worrying about camera operation - if there were to be a next time, I promise to rope in a nostril-blocked friend to shoot.)

Hákarl Surströmming
Ease of procurement Tricky and expensive. Easy and cheap, like heroin.
Feeling going in... Nervous dread, akin to a dentist's waiting-room. Cocky. I was all: "Been there, done that - this won't be worse... 80% of Hákarl at its baddest."
Package Opening An immediate increase in the feeling of dread as an intense ammonia smell filled the room, followed by deep regret I hadn't done this outside. Was very prepared this time, and thought I was really clever utilising the balcony. The fermentation pressure build-up in the can sprayed liquid out everywhere, but I'd done the reading, and did all of the opening inside a plastic bag. Still feeling cocky at this point - for about 0.5 seconds.
Initial Stench Terrifying. Very, very strong ammonia smell, mixed in with a smell that's like the worst thing you'd ever smell down at the docks where fishing boats come in, multiplied by around 100. Stomach was fine with it - I felt a deep dread that I was about to eat what was causing the smell, but my stomach was behaving itself - no gags. Much, much worse than anticipated. Less ammonia, more of a shit smell at first, hints of sulfur, before hitting my nostrils with a overwealming assault of that 'death' smell. That, and a few hints of the same 'where fishing boats come in' smell - there were notes that were quite similar to that of Hákarl, but only a few. A very different beast. Involuntary gagging began within two seconds of the can opening.
Stench Growth The ammonia smell definitely got worse the closer you put the food to your mouth, but it did not change much over time, in either intensity or flavour. Once you know what Hákarl smells like - it makes you wish you were dead - find small comfort in the knowledge that that's all you're going to be dealing with. The smell only got worse over time, and changed its tone constantly. Just as you thought you were getting a handle on one aspect of it, something else would hit you. There were simply too many smells for my brain to cancel out or keep control of, all of them 10/10 horrible, all of them building over time.
Stench Linger-time I mananaged to clean the kitchen out fine, the smell gone completely within 20 minutes with the help of the stove-top extractor fan and some lavender-scented bathroom air-freshener. Unsure, though already the linger time has beaten Hákarl by a long shot. I can't get the stuff off my hands. I made the mistake of trying to film the experience on my phone, and smudged some juice on the touch-screen at one point - my phone now smells too, even though I've wiped that spot down with several chemicals. I don't think it'll ever die from whatever it touched. How do you kill something that's already dead? Oh god. Make it stop.
Appearance Clean-looking white cubes. Not scary at all while they were in their vacuum pack. Deceptively safe-looking until the point you snip open the package and let the smell out. Once the can was open, the contents looked exactly like what it was : a sludge of rotten fish. There was nothing appetizing about the presentation. Nothing. It looked as bad as it smelled. (Sorry, as it smells. SMELLS. Present tense. Make it stop...). At least it wasn't pretending, not like Hákarl. Even if you can't smell it, Surströmming looks like something you don't want to eat.
Texture Rubbery at first, but more powdery/melty as you chew. Interesting texture. Exactly as you'd imagine sloppy, wet, rotten fish would be, complete with bones, skin, oily bits, sticky bits, gross bits, fins, lots of watery rotten-brine mixture...
First Bite I did as the literature suggests - placed the first piece in my mouth and inhaled deeply through the nose, experienceing the icy - almost menthol? - burn of the ammonia up my nostrils. Wholly unpleasant based on how terrible the smell was at this point, but an unexpected novelty element with the burning. There was a sense of danger in this - nothing that does what that gas did to my nose should be going inside my body. I could still feel the burn of it hours later. Oddly, the flesh itself didn't taste so bad - not if you forget the smell for a moment. Just... fishy. The smell was disproportionately terrible compared to the taste by a factor of at least 1000. By the time I had the first piece in my mouth, trying to bite through the skin/bone/flesh, the juices splattering over my face and hands, my stomach had had enough. There was no time to savour or think about the experience. I knew I only had seconds left, as my chest was already hunched and heaving. The only strange thing I did notice was that the flesh itself felt almost fizzy on my tongue at one point, like bubbles in beer. This didn't help anything. It was all wrong. All so very wrong. The smell. THE SMELL.
The Chew I took my time. The fact that I wasn't already puking, and had survived the nostril thing, gave me time to note the textural change from rubber to powder as I got through it. It's not like I was smiling though - this wasn't pleasant. It was horrible. I kept thinking of that line from Harry Potter describing the experience of encountering a 'Dementor' - such misery that I wasn't certain I'd ever feel cheerful again. My stomach was already fighting the experience very hard, way before the flesh even got to my mouth. I had to keep the chewing to a minimum. My time was up.
The Swallow Nothing exciting: I swallowed. I stood there in that cloud of ammonia stench, bracing myself for something worse to happen, but nothing did. I felt truly horrible, staring blankly, trying to recover from the ordeal. I questioned why I'd done this in the first place. The smell filled my head and soul, and I couldn't escape it - that ammonia death smell was inside me now. I was its bitch. My time was long over by the time I got up to swallowing. As I began to swallow, the retching began. I continued to try, and believe at one point I managed to get the mouthful about half-way down my throat, but it wasn't long before I was bent over the plastic bag puking Surströmming back into the can. Then, an extended period of dry-retching. It took about a minute before I had the presence of mind to force myself away from the source of the smell, which was doing most of the ongoing damage. As for the herring, I doubt I digested any more than a fraction of a gram of the stuff in the end. My body simply said "NO" to Surströmming.
Immediate Aftermath I felt dirty and afraid. I wondered when the sickness would start. I wondered why I'd put myself through that. I wondered how far away the bin would need to be from my house so that I never had to smell that ammonia/fishy stench again once I threw it out. I thought about my own mortality, and how fragile life was. There was no time for reflection. As soon as I'd finished puking, I ran inside, gathered five or six plastic bags, and set about wrapping up the source of the death-smell. That stench was just seemed to keep growing in volume and menace similar to the black-cloud monster thing from 'Lost', spreading out like a nuclear fallout that badly needed to be contained, and fast. There was a desperation and urgency to removing all trace of it from my house, from my life. I was down the street within 60 seconds, where I carefully placed the six-times-wrapped-but-still-opened can upright at the bottom of a bin that I wouldn't smell when they emptied it. I feel sorry for those garbage men. I really do, but this had quickly become a self-preservation issue, consequences be damned.
Extended Aftermath My skin felt greasy all afternoon, and I had a sort of 'after-smell' going on for the rest of the day. My nostrils felt like they were a little sunburned, and along with the slight burn feeling, a very slight ammonia smell lingered, though that could have been in my head. I still can't bring myself to remember the precise smell of Hákarl even now - it was a scarring experience, and one I'd rather not repeat. I'm mostly just hoping that I don't end up in a discussion where somebody claims to have found something worse to eat than Surströmming. Surely this is the limit. It was for me at least. I don't think I'm going to get over it for a while, though fortunately as I didn't digest any of it, I don't feel sick or anything now. With the Hákarl I felt a bit funny all afternoon, but with this, if I could get the last of the smell off my fingers/phone, I'd be feeling no adverse physical effects now, only mental ones.
Overall Feeling There is no reason for people to feel they need to eat Hákarl for anything other than a dare, or to discover their persoal extremes as I have. It was wholly unpleasant. However, now that I have tasted Surströmming, I can at least appreciate that there was a certain degree of 'crafting' in Hákarl. The smell, as bad as it was, was an interesting one which felt 'human made', almost like it had been created in a lab. Regardless of how repulsive the smell is, looking back now I feel like there's some intent behind it in a strang sort of way. Plus, for to keep the title of World's Worst, it needs to actually taste bad. It didn't taste that bad - it merely smelled bad. If you pinch your nose and eat Hákarl, it's nowhere nearly as bad as pinching your nose and eating Surströmming. There is no reason for people to feel they need to eat Surströmming at all, ever, for any reason. If I had to chose between eating Hákarl every day of my life or eating Surströmming one more time, I would still go with the daily shark. It was horrible in so many more ways that Hákarl wasn't. I walked away from the shark dish in November feeling like I'd touched the edge of the Universe, but in reality, I hadn't come even close. This is by far the worst thing a human can ever eat. I've accidentally eaten dog-shit before - this was worse. I've accidentally sipped some urine that had been congealing in a plastic drink bottle for several months - this was worse (but only just - in a remarkably similar ball-park). Don't try this, thinking it's going to be cool. It's not going to be cool trying something so gross. It's going to be horrible. You are going to vomit. You are going to wish you'd never gotten yourself into this in the first place. There's no silver-lining to the experience, apart from the thought that perhaps, eating it with Swedish locals, already fully tanked on very, very strong clear spirits, you're just drunk enough that you keep more of it down than I did. Horrible. Words can't describe it.

 

The final result?

Surströmming is, by far, the world's most foul thing designed to be eaten by human beings.

Congratulations, Sweden, and IN YOUR FACE, ICELAND!

The Swedes have this one completely sealed. There's something truly horrendous about Hákarl that I don't want to take away from our Icelandic friends - it *is* incredibly horrible, and I love the crazy way it's prepared - but the fact that I walked into the Swedish sitting thinking it might be easier, only to be uncontrollably gagging within seconds of the can hissing its vile stench out into the world? No. Just, no.

Hákarl is definitely a 10-out-of-10 experience for people looking to expand their culinary horizons all the way down into the darkest depths of putrefied-shark depravity, and that's fine. If you can get your hands on some, knock yourself out. Have a laugh with your friends. Brag about it, as I did, on Facebook. But know, deep in your heart of hearts, that while you just gulped down an ammonia-soaked 10-out-of-10, that just across the sea, there lurks an eleven...

Don't do it, folks. Either of them.

I feel dirty.


Top 10 Reasons Why 'Die Hard' Is A Better Christmas Movie Than 'Love Actually'

There comes a point during every Christmas holiday where an inevitable war for the remote is fought - a battleground nobody wants to speak about at any other time of the year, one which divides families, ruins relationships, and regularly results in bloodshed. You know what I'm talking about: The Die Hard vs Love Actually Christmas Movie Stand-Off. Naturally, I have my own feelings on the matter, and despite you likely having yours, I've decided it's time we all put this matter to bed for once and for all, proving (most decisively) that Die Hard is by far a more superior Christmas film than Love Actually:

 

Two very different Rickmans...
Case in point : the two very different Rickmans...

1. The Rickman Factor

Both films are blessed by the inclusion of Alan Rickman, but he’s WAY cooler as Hans Gruber than as weak, womanising Harry. Also, Hans is far more Christmasy - he even performs a memorable Santa impersonation at one point.

Ho. Ho. Ho.

 

I can't even... I just can't...

2. You (Mostly) Get A Break From Ridiculously Insipid Child-Actors

Christmas entertainment is vicious time where practically everything on television is packed full of horrible child-actors. There are only a few insignificant seconds of terrible child-acting in Die Hard, as opposed to Love Actually, with entire sub-plots, musical numbers, and several minutes packed full of children dressed up as cute animals. Eww.

 

3. Die Hard Embraces Multiculturalism

In McTiernan's opus, characters with English as their second language went to a lot more effort to ensure they could directly communicate with people of other cultures (even if it happened to be down the barrel of a gun). In the Kurtis film, the same rely on shrugs, sheepish grins, and don't seem to care about blatant mistranslation and the significant cultural offence this may or may not cause those around them. I'd call that "naughty" not "nice", as opposed to Die Hard's foreigners who took the time and came prepared.

 

4. "The Quarterback Is Toast"

The only toast you ever get in Love Actually involves cheap, miserly-poured sparkling, often accompanied by depressing moaning or attempts at infidelity.

 

5. Die Hard Has Better Retro Value

While Love Actually may have Bill Nighy, it does not contain any actors from legendary 80's classics including The Breakfast Club, Ghostbusters and Magnum PI. It doesn’t even try. That's just not in the spirit of the season.

 

6. Love Actually Isn't Actually A Christmas Movie

The complete chronology of events in Die Hard take place during the one, long Christmas Eve. Love Actually is spread all over the calendar, some of the earlier scenes quite possibly taking place closer to Halloween than late December, the final airport montage obviously taking place the following Easter*

( * I can't back this last point up, though I swear there's someone holding a toy rabbit in one shot.)

 

7. Die Hard = Less-Questionable Casting

The producers of Die Hard managed to cast actors far more believable at playing authority figures and Americans. Also, the new associations between Hobbits and pornography invoked by Love Actually doesn't sit right with me at all - Christmas gets enough midget action as it is.

8. More Explosions

There are no explosions in Love Actually. Not one. There isn't even a helicopter crash.
Seriously. It's like they've completely forgotten the true meaning of Christmas.

 

 

9. Stronger Female Role-Models

Love Actually is brimming with old-school 1950s female stereotypes, whereas 100% of Die Hard’s major female characters represent a much more modern approach to gender roles (eg. Holly and her high-powered executive position within Nakatomi, versus Natalie who doesn't fight back at all after being sexually harassed and unfairly dismissed from her job).

Okay, okay... to be fair, while there is only one major female character in Die Hard, she still kicks more ass than half the Love Actually women. Further, I'll put $50 on the table right now that says Bonnie Bedelia would beat Keira Knightly in a straight-up fist-fight. Think about it.

 

10. Die Hard Has A Better Ending

In its closing minutes, Love Actually (disrespectfully) brandishes a Denise Richards cameo, a terrible non-Chrismas Beach Boys song and truly horrendous and tacky heart-shaped graphic montage. A travesty, as opposed to Die Hard - a classy 'Let It Snow' Christmas play-off as the camera pulls out over the mist, mere seconds after this shot :

 

In Conclusion...

I think that's all settled then, don't you?

###