1. Switch off the television, or anything serving up passive video
The only thing worse than enduring Australian freeview for so many years is arriving in London not being able to tune into and enjoy the BBC, my spanking-new Netflix account, or my long-overdue date with AppleTV now that I’m on decent broadband again, without nodding off in minutes.
2. Turn off the heating – embrace the brass monkey
I still don’t truly get radiators. So mysterious. So few controls, so much that can apparently go wrong if you screw something up with the timing, sending the house into a tropical pseudo-daytime daze at 3am. If cryogenics is good enough for Austin Powers and Captain America, it’s good enough for me.
3. Surf the real estate porn (but not real porn)
Making lists of flats to check out in the morrow and filling bookmark folders with links to random 2-bedroom warehouse-reno’s in Shoreditch is much more constructive than spanking one out and invoking la petite mort. Sadly.
There isn’t a force on earth that can keep an eyelid open better than stuffing every last corner of your digestive system full of meat, chillies and garlic naan. Downside is the rectal hangover, but chances are you’ll still be constipated from the airline food, even after a couple of days, so you won’t need to worry about any of the curry fallout for a while yet.
5. Stop unconsciously doing the timezone conversion; gloat instead
Forget what time it is over there. If anything, replace time-awareness with brutal smugness. Sit on the Timeout iPad app, find music, food and theatre listings way more awesome (slash cheap) than would ever fly in Sydney, and brag about it to Aussies on Facebook. Find a window where you can see a bus route and set your watch by the ludicrous amount of them. Put those mental powers of calculation to better uses such as figuring out how many more beers you can buy with a twenty-note (both with or without conversion), then get back on Facebook and add a P.S. about it on your earlier thread.
6. Blog about it
Working well so far. While it lasted. Oh god… what to do now… and it’s only just after nine…